A cup of 9th Street coffee and 13 grams of trans-fat. That’s how I started my day. My two-pack of Entenmann’s Softees were so burdened with hydrogenation I could almost feel my heart stop.

Now I’m not sure what’s going on here because I was under the impression that Entenmann’s had gone trans-fat free. And my recent variety box was totally devoid, claiming 0 grams all the way down to the powdered sugar. Maybe the Softees had been riding the shelves for a while. Or maybe I’m wrong and the folks at Entenmann’s are still down with artery cloggage. I’m looking into it.

But either way, let’s talk about how Softee Frosted Donuts are the best packaged Donut ever! I know I’m in the minority on this one, but come on. These things are so rich and moist with fattiness they’re more like slabs of pork belly than Donuts. And the chocolate frosting – is there a better example of over-preserved artificial American snack food genius?

Now let’s compare. Everybody – and by “everybody” I mean the 5 or so people I’ve spoken with – seems all about the powdered sugar and cinnamon. But the powdered are bland and I usually end up snort-choking the sugar particles. Same goes for the cinnamon only with more brown. And as for the newer varieties with the log-shaped crumb things on top, I’ll be addressing those in an upcoming post – for now I’m sticking with the original three.

But really, if you’re stooping to packaged store-bought Donuts, go with Entenmann’s Softees two-pack.

Pictured above: Softee Frosted with our new deer head salt and pepper shakers

So I know Entenmann’s Donuts aren’t actually good. But at the same time they’re also kind of awesome. And over the holidays I’ve been known to ingest an entire box of Pop’Ems at the Blognut-in-laws, savoring every last bit of artificial, over-preserved, only-sort-of-Donut-tasting deliciousness. Which is why I was happy to learn that this fall Entenmann’s has released a seasonal Cider Donut. And this bright orange box of pre-fabs is every bit as disgusting and satisfying as I would expect.

The cake itself lacks body and the faux-cinnamon-nutmeg spice has a chemical-like tingle which at times is almost like putting your tongue on the terminals of a battery. But there’s something about the layer of dehydrated glaze that ties the flavor together into this addictive and perfect feat of junk-food science – kind of like how once you start eating Doritos you can’t stop.

But this box of Ciders got me thinking about the rest of the Entenmann’s Donut catalogue. Plus all the other pre-packaged brands like Freihofers and those tube-shaped Hostess packs you buy at gas stations. So I really think it’s time to kick-off what hopefully will be an ongoing series on preservative-laden, corporate Donut creations wrapped in cardboards and plastics. I was always fond of the chocolate covered – you know, the ones with that brown plastic-like coating that can easily be peeled away from its cake interior as if two completely separate entities – but according to the little bit of research I’ve done everyone seems to think those are disgusting and that powdered sugar or cinnamon are the way to go. So if you’ve got any favorites you think I should try, let me know. Otherwise, I’ll see what I can find in the coming weeks at my local supermarkets, convenience stores, bodegas and Shell stations.